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The Vertical Grandstand/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW This is a hint of what's coming up in "handyman corner". Industrial strength diapers. It's the "winchy". It's idiot proof. Here, prove it. Push the up button. See. You got one of these babies, you can get things off a high shelf, no problem. Don't need a step stool. Get cheesies off the fridge. Get your hat off the antlers. Get your over-served sister-in-law down off the chandelier. Whatever it takes, you're there. All right, harold, let me down. (explosion) way to go, harold. You blew a fuse. You pushed the button too hard. It's not a fuse. The power's out all the way down to the lake. Here, look. (horns honking) (quacking) (red): Today, winston and I work out a mathematical problem. Harold is of no use whatsoever, although he makes a good bird on a -- you'll find out. And I'll show you how to do some soldering, as my salute to heavy metal. You have a nice day, too. I told the power company what I thought of the bad service they've given us. Maybe it has something to do with your bad cheques. No, it doesn't -- power is a c.O.D. Business. They don't get my "c" till I get their "d". When they put the power in, they didn't anticipate the requirements of a handyman such as myself. I like things that hum when you turn them on. They're putting a transformer tower on the far side of possum lake. Oh, great. That transformer tower will bring in so much electricity, we'll be bouncing cheques into the next millenium. They're going to stick it in possum park, between the bog and the garbage fire, now we gotta watch the boat races cowering under this metal monstrosity. Got an idea, harold. Why don't we make the transformer tower serve double duty? Not only bring 50,000 volts into the area, but we can use it as a vertical grandstand. A v-v-ver-- a what? A vertical grandstand. People can sit on it, harold. That's your trouble. You got no entrepreneurial spirit! You look hard enough, you'll see an opportunity. But why does it always have a hood over its head and a scythe in its hand? (audience laughing) (red): Unbeknownst to me, bill had heard about our idea for the grandstand. So he got himself some model rockets as a way of serving refreshments to people sitting way up in the rafters. Kind of a hobby and a space programme combined. He's got the wires hooked up to the rocket. Oh, oh, oh -- she's fallen over. She's on an angle, bill. Bill, she's on an angle. Yeah, yeah -- what's that? Ow! That's how that works. Now I'm in the van with a live rocket. Reminds me of a couple of dates I had in high school. Bill's programme is kind of like nasa. Well, not quite the same, but it rhymes. What's he doing? Stand back, stand back, stand back, stand back! Stand back, stand back! All clear. Bill will be back later with a couple more rockets and a lot more trouble. Here we are with hap shaughnessy. We're all set to play our word game. What's our prize today? Red, the grand prize is a pair of earflaps from raymond's house of rubber. Certainly a good prize. Harold, give me the word. Don't look at this, hap. I'll tell the people at home what it says. All right, I got 30 seconds to get you to say this. Somebody who makes up stories. Author. Ernest hemingway and I-- no, no, that wasn't it. Someone who tells falsehoods. Politician. When I was charles de gaulle's bodyguard-- again, no, no. A person who bends the truth. Secret agent. I was down in algeria-- no, no, hap. I think I got it. Hap shaughnessy, you are a... Deep sea diver, astronaut. No. Sumo wrestler. Inventor. Inventor, yes, 'cause you invent stories, so that makes you a... Broadway playwright. I haven't written a hit musical in years. Say somebody says that you never were an astronaut a sumo wrestler or a playwright. That person is a... A liar. There you go. You got it. Yeah. Well... Do you know, the worst liar I ever met? No. Michelle pfieffer. She swore that she wouldn't fall for me. Said it was only going to be a sexual relationship. But, oh no. ♪ oh, fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit ♪ ♪ nature's way of making things scoot ♪ ♪ fun to eat and fun to throw ♪ ♪ but if you toss 'em, here's something to know ♪ ♪ I had an experience down by the beach ♪ ♪ I nailed a guy with a rotten peach ♪ ♪ he was a full-figured man, he could really hit ♪ ♪ so if you're predisposed to throwing peaches ♪ ♪ I would make sure that you first of all remove the pit ♪ it's my idea to build this vertical grandstand. We'll attach aluminum lawn chairs to the steel transmission tower. I thought I'd take this "handyman corner" and show you how to bond metal to metal. Imagine that this is the transmission tower. Imagine that this is a lawn chair. I'm going to start up one of these soldering torches. We're going to solder this whole thing together. Solder's a strange word. You don't pronounce the "l". If you say "solllder" the clerks are going to stay away in droves. You get a word like "help", you want to pronounce the "l". Hep, hep. See, nobody comes. What you want to do is heat up the metal. Get them both good and hot. I recommend you use a torch, but you could use a stove or, if you're real fast, you could use an explosion. All right, that's good. Now you get some of this flux. You want to put that on. It kind of cleans the thing. You can just put it on with your fingers... But I wouldn't recommend it. All right now, just get your solder, and you want to heat that up. Put enough solder in there that the metals become one, all joined together. And don't be shy. Just lay the solder in there. There, that ought to hold her. Hep, hep, I'm covered in "solllder." see, nobody comes. Solder's not all that strong. But if you sock enough on there, she ought to hold. All right, we'll have to go to something stronger than solder. I'll just get this stuff off myself, and I'll be right back. Man, I feel like a baked potato. This is called brazing 'cause you do it with brass. If you did it with copper, you'd call it "crazing". If you did it with nitroglycerine, call an ambulance. All you've got to do is add the oxygen to the flame and you can get her pretty darn hot. I don't have brass. That's expensive. I'll to use a coat hanger. It should be ok. You just get this so hot... You don't need any flux with this. Just lay the brass right in there, or the coat hanger. The beauty of this is it's so hot you can use it for cutting metal pipes or metal plates or metal girders even. Or that. We're getting serious. This is what they call an arc welder, which is sort of like controlled lightning, except this baby strikes twice in the same place. Come to think of it, I've seen welders strike in the same place for 30 years. Take a clip like this. Clip that onto your work. That's sort of like your ground wire. Then the other unit, kind of an odd-looking thing, take that and stick the rod in the end. You don't use a flame. This rod touches the work. That closes the circuit, and that does your welding. She's bright and can hurt your eyes. So, for safety's sake, and you know me, safety forced, we're going to put the mask on oh, boy. Wait a minute here. Wow. Better hang on to the... (groaning) all right, now. You can't always see when you do this. But you just touch the rod to the work, and the spark will let you know what you're doing. There we go. Solid as a rock. (audience laughing) all right, I may have welded some of my tools and various workshop collectables to the unit. But, look at the bright side. I now have a burglar-proof environment. I've also welded my wedding ring to my belt buckle, which is kind of poetic. So, remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Everybody enjoys seeing a guy being chased by a moose. Garth harble here, animal control. What happened? -- You stand too close to the dart team? I wish. I was pecked by seagulls. That is it for me and outdoor restaurants. Do you have a feature for us? Hmm? A feature. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Today we'll talk about how to get rid of something a bit larger than we usually talk about. A moose. Sure -- with a shotgun. I'll pretend I didn't hear that, red. No! What you want to do -- say you got a moose hanging around your house. What you want to do is get yourself a can of moose musk. Moose musk. To a male moose, this is um... Very pleasant, very, um... Well, it's very attractive. I know what you're talking about. Now, take the moose musk. You take it deep, deep into the woods, and you take the top off. Oh boy, look at that, huh? Now, this will attract the moose deep into the woods. Boy, that's a heck of a lot of moose musk there. There's enough hormones there to start a lift bridge. Of course, you don't need to use near this amount. A tiny little bit will do. That much moose musk, that will probably attract-- looks like 25 to 30. I'd say at least 25 to 30. That much moose musk will drive a moose absolutely crazy. Sensory overload. Oh boy. Another super day. Run, harold! Don't you pass me, harold! Man, this thing binds. (audience laughing) the best way to make my vertical grandstand affordable to everybody is to have three ticket prices. Like reds, golds and blues? Yeah, sort of -- pop, wine and beer. Now, the pop ticket is 10 bucks. You get up 10 feet on a plank. The wine ticket, that's 20 bucks. You're 30 feet higher in a lawn chair with a rope seat-belt. I got about 40 already duck-taped up there. Beer tickets being the best. Harold, beer tickets are always the best. Garth harble here, animal control, reminding you, don't feed bears when they're in heat. And, of course, vice versa. Welcome to the expert portion of the show. This week we have my uncle red and his friend, winston rothschild. (applause and cheering) ok. The first letter goes as follows: "dear experts... "my guidance counsellor says that the average person "will hold down five or six jobs in their life. "does that sound right to you?" you know something, I don't look at it that way. I look at it as filling your life with profitable activity. As the great anthony anthony once said, "if you're looking for self-help, "you've got to help yourself." well worth 90 bucks for that tidbit, I would think. I think he meant that you add up the hours in a day that you could be working. So what is that -- 20? (red): 20? Something's out of whack there, either your math or your priorities. You multiply that by the number of years from when you left school till when you retire. So how old were you when you left school? 20. I didn't know you went passed high school. I passed it on the way to the lodge. Ok, so that's -- so 45 years times 20 hours a day... That's... A lot of time! Easily a lot. That's what I thought. And see, you could be making money with that time. Oh yeah. Take me, for instance. I am running a very successful sewage and septic sucking business. And I have something on the side. You might want to see a doctor about that. (audience laughing) you see... Red, the way I see it is I'm in that truck all day long. I could do more than simply suck out septic tanks. I suppose, yeah. So, I've now got a pizza delivery service. (audience laughing) and, a taxi service, and a courier service. "if it's not on your desk by 8:00 tomorrow morning, "it's free, guaranteed." a lot of courier companies can't guarantee that. That's my pizza delivery guarantee. (audience laughing) here's a handyman hint. When you've got a piece of wood that's just a little bit too long, you can shorten it using one of these wood planes. Makes it smoother, too. Remember, any tool can be the right tool. As previously warned, bill is going to be fooling around with rockets. I'll be his assistant. Many times a scientist has an assistant. I'll do what any sane assistant would do, basically get out of there. Bill's got her wired up. You can ignite these almost like an explosive charge. There's an electrical unit in there. When you plunge down, the electricity goes through the wire. It even goes through when you pull up on that. "there you go, bill. "you're welcome." bill hooks that up. None of us noticed that there was clothing, I think the scientist let us down. And this was... This was... This was an unfortunate turn of events. But, on the bright side, these are the hot new fashions out of possum lodge. Bill's got a bigger... I'm doing the assistant thing to the "t" now. Clear the area. But, you know what happens. The curiosity, see -- can't help but look. Bill did not tell me exactly what he had in mind. So when the rocket hooked around his ankle, I didn't know whether to mention it. Plus, I hadn't noticed it. This was unfortunate, because as he lay down, and with him juxtaposing his legs around, he put the rocket in an uncomfortable place, and then really kind of wedging it in there. I don't whether this is his plan, or this is going wrong. Is this what he wants, or is this a mistake? I'm thinking it's a mistake at this point. Now I realize, this is nothing to do with rockets. This is part of bill's aerobic exercise programme. He looks pretty aired out. Those cramps will go away in awhile, but you'll never go back to normal. Stay tuned while harold drops in. The weather's perfect for the boat race. Tickets have been selling like mad. Harold has agreed to operate the concession stand. Right, harold? Ahh ha ha. Ahh. Ha ha ha ha. Now I know why women were so happy when they invented pantyhose. You'd think my uncle would give me a ticket. You're getting in free. I just attached a few conditions to it. Where you going to be? Off counting your money? No -- as manager of the vertical grandstand, I thought it was only right that I take the box off my old pick-up truck and weld that to the top of the tower. Your own private box?! You haven't lived till you've experienced a boat race from 130 feet. Meanwhile, I'll be dangling from this cable looking like spiderman on a coffee break. I was thinking more dope on a rope. Ahhh! Now you've gone and done it. You've said the one thing that always gets men into trouble. You had to be a big shot. Doing that job around the house. She kindly offers some advice. And you said, "I know what I'm doing." you lied. You don't know what you're doing. Men never know what they're doing. Why draw attention to it? She's only going to check up on you. Ok, get yourself alone in there. No witnesses around. If there's any instructions, read 'em. I know you don't read instructions, but there's just no room for error this time. If you've got no instructions, you can hire a professional. But what good would that do? It's only going to blow your cover. If you're really stuck, you gotta call her dad and ask him to come over and help ya. (audience laughing) the most useless human being on the planet. (audience laughing) he won't know what to do. But he'll do anything for his little girl. He'll probably wreck everything in the process. Exactly what you want him to do. He can take the heat for messing up. You can take the glory for admitting that you needed help. She'll love you for it! Remember, do exactly what we said here. Trust us -- we know what we're doing. (audience laughing) (liquid boiling) (audience laughing) (applause) well, sports fans, we should advise any lodge members out there, don't be too hasty getting into the vertical grandstand business. Warn them to check weather conditions before they climb any transformer towers. Someone left the radio on somewhere? (audience laughing) I couldn't say no. They were so anxious to get up that tower. Not half as anxious as they were to get down when that lighting struck it. Lightning is fast. That's the last time I buy an expensive ticket. I was the last one to get off the darn thing. I was climbing as fast as I could. Why didn't you use the winchy? The first lightning bolt fused the motor. Second one fried my popcorn and thawed the freezies. (audience laughing) I hear that radio again. You want to know the traffic report at all? (audience laughing) I'll tell you though, all that taken into consideration, it was a beautiful sight. I've seen a blue flame before, but never that close to my face, except once at a stag. (possum squeal) meeting time. All right, harold, you go ahead. Mel's doing the sports, too. If my wife is watching, I'm coming home after the meeting. I got a close encounter with raw energy. I was hoping to share some with you, unless I'm grounded. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, harold, and the whole gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Harold, did you have announcements? Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!